i don't deserve forgiveness
by jenoncaluvkaiba
Summary: As I place this pen to paper I hesitate. How can i pen all I have done, all I could have avoided. Is it shame or guilt stopping me? As I ask myself this question, I am not certain I want to know the answer.


Jenonca- I'm still writing Castiel's diary but I just came up with this one shot. It is based on season 6, Castiel is writing how he feels about whole situation.

I tried to make it longer but I did my best. I hope you like it and please review as I would like know what you think of it please.

I don't own supernatural

As I place this pen to paper I hesitate. How can i pen all I have done all I could have avoided. Is it shame or guilt stopping me? As I ask myself this question, I am not certain I want to know the answer. You're most likely asking what are writing about. What could you possibly have done to feel guilty and ashamed? I shall reveal my tale of betrayal and corrupt decisions. When I am done you will be asking why I am still alive.

My tale starts from the day that Samuel Winchester sacrificed his own life to throw not only Lucifer into the cage but Michael as well. God brought me back and I was placed in charge of heaven. The problems started right from the beginning, some of my brothers and sisters accepted my new role however there were those whom felt Raphael should be in charge. I assume this is because he is an archangel and it was his right. Usually I would agree if it were not for the fact he wanted the apocalypse to continue. Raphael fought with me for my position I soon realised I was not strong enough to hold my own.

I then began considering ways to stop him and become stronger, I debated with myself to contact Dean to help me find away but I thought it best not to do so, Dean had just settled down with a family for sake of Samuel. He promised to live a normal life. I could not bring myself to drag him into my mess, he was happy and I wished to leave him as such. My feelings for Dean's wellbeing left me with very little options. I admit because I wanted Dean happy I didn't tell him that I pulled Samuel from the cage unfortunately Samuel wasn't whole, he didn't have a soul. This was my first mistake in a long line of decisions.

Crowley contacted me while I visited Dean, whom could not see me. He made me an offer I should have refused, however at the time it were my only option to stopping Raphael and keeping heaven under my command. I thought I was making the right decision. I understand now I was lying to myself and going against everything I stood for. I feel childish for writing this but I had no choice and Crowley can be very persuasive when he wants to be. Dean would roll his eyes if I had told him this, he doesn't understand.

I am finding it difficult to go on as I am coming to the part where I got lost in my decisions. I shall explain, over time I became more frustrated and desperate, Raphael was winning and the Winchesters had called for my help. It angered me they didn't care about my problems, I realised there and then that despite how selfless they are, they can be selfish as well. This was proven when they were more concerned with getting Samuel's soul back, rather than asking if I was ok and try to pull me from the wrong path. Admittedly I had a part in their selfishness as I chose not ask them for help, I do wonder now had I ask would they have helped me no matter how they felt about my decisions.

This thought does not help my guilt; I feel even more guilt as I ponder this. Perhaps not as guilty as I am for consuming all the souls and unlocking purgatory, I admit this was by the worst decision I had made during this time.

The worst part of all my decisions is lying to Dean, I understand hurt him more than I hurt myself when I told him I have no family. I had to lie or I could not go through with my plan. I know when dean and I see each other again I will not be able to face him, I am coward for writing this but I don't want dean to hate me. I know he should I have done enough damage to our friendship and relationship.

Do not misunderstand me I do not love him like a lover as many have misinterpreted; I love him as a brother would. I have never been close to my brothers and sisters as I have been to dean. In his own way Dean has protected me and helped me understand many confusing situations in life. I suppose in very strange way he has raised me, I was just a naïve angel, only a soldier when we first met. I now understand how betrayed Dean was when he discovered what I was doing and that I had lost my way. Off all the shame and guilt I feel, it becomes worse when I remember the look on his face when he confronted me. It wasn't anger as I expected, no it were disappointment. Anger I may have been able to handle as I expected it but disappointment I was not prepared for. I admit it shamed me more and I shall never forget the look as long as live.

All I can to say to is Dean is how sorry I am but I know no matter how many times I say it, Dean may never forgive me, he has the right not to as I have left far too much damage for him to even begin to think of forgiving me.

I cannot begin to ask where do I go from here, what happens now and will I ever be able to make it right and atone sins.

It will never be the same between me and Dean ever again. If Dean never wants to be in the same room as me again I understand. i do not know what will happen from here on out but I do know I do not deserve forgiveness no matter how much I want it.


End file.
